Category: Open Adoption

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The Day of Birth (commerated on the Birthday) or ML part 5

Not to sound cliche, but my how time flies! Baby Girl is officially one today!!

On August 3, 2005, we were privelaged to be invited to the hospital will J delivered Baby M via C-section. We didn’t sleep much the night before–we were up late doing not too much of anything. We made it to the hospital by about 7am, I think, and headed to the maternity floor, carrying cameras and cell phones, a laptop and a few baby clothes. We checked into the nurses station, and everything became real when she gave us the wrist-bracelet that would match us to M when she arrived! J had arranged for that, so we could see her in the nursery while J was still in recovery.

We were shown into J’s room, and saw G, his mom K, Z, J’s mom H and Z’s godfather/caregiver, P. K greeted us right away, J introduced everybody, and we all sat down and made small talk. K gave us a few things for M, and L lightened the mood by taking pictures of everyone. Z warmed up to him right away, and started hamming it up for the camera. Soon enough, J and G went into the delivery room, and we sat and chatted with everyone there. P took Z home. In hindsight, it was all very surreal, but at the time, it seemed perfectly natural.

M arrived at 8:50am, and somewhere around 9:30, she was brought into the room by G. Then hubby and I got to hold her–truly amazing. K held her too. The whole time we were acutely aware that as much as we were gaining a family member, they were, in essence, losing one. We did our best to seem happy yet subdued–again, surreal yet natural.

We followed the baby out when she was taken to the nursery for all the screenings and bath and whatnot, and watched through the glass. At some point, we each went to where cell phones were permitted to call a few people, including the adoption agency.

That was one surprise–the hospital SW wouldn’t let the agency SW come to the hospital for 24 hours after M’s arrival. So we were there, w/o guidance, I guess you could say, but we did just fine. J asked that I call the SW, so I did, and that’s when we learned they’d be able to come to the hospital the next day.

Most of that day (and the day after) is a blur of visiting with J and G, mooning over M, calling friends and giving them updates.

One moment stands out though–my first time alone with M. J was resting, G was taking a break from the hospital, L was making some phone calls and I was alone, watching her through the glass. After a few minutes, I realized that I could go into the little room off of the nursery with M, so I did. The nurse wheeled in her bassinett and left us alone. So I held her and we rocked in the rocking chair, and I welcomed her into the world. Truly one of the best moments of my life.

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Open to Open: ML pt 3

One key thing I forgot to write in Memory Lane part 1 is that we learned in the phone call from our social worker that our potential match was “open to an open adoption”–meaning, they’d like for us to meet, and then decide how to proceed.

The conversation I had with many people between the day we got the first phone call (July 12, 2005) and the day we met J and G (July 21, 2005) went something like this:

“We’ve been matched!”

“OMG! That’s so great. When’s the baby due? Is it a boy or a girl? Do you have any names picked out? Will you get to be there?”

“Well, we know the baby’s due August 8th. We’ll know more after we meet the couple who’ve picked us next week.”

“You’re meeting them?”

“Yes–we’re meeting them, with our social workers, at the adoption agency next week.”

“Won’t that be weird? Can they change their minds?”

“Well, they wanted to meet us before the baby is born. This way we can decide how we want things to go. And yes, they can change their mind. Acutally, they can change their mind until they sign the papers, which can’t be any earlier than 48hrs after the baby’s born.”

People thought it was very strange that we would meet the baby’s parents before she was born, that we could possibly be at the hospital during the whole thing, that we could do all that and NOT end up taking a baby home with us at the end. For us, at that time, it just seemed like that was what we signed up for. Not having had the thrill of newborn being placed in our arms yet, or really knowing what love we would instantly feel for the baby girl, it seemed like a very reasonable thing. I think the 2nd time around, it will be much harder to keep our feelings in check.

The concept of an “open” adoption was completely new to most people we shared our news with, and to this day, we don’t know any other families in our circle of friends who have an open adoption. Having no model to really go on, we just did (and still) what feels right, what we think is in the best interest of the Monkey, and for everyone involved.

One of the reasons J & G liked our profile was because we would consider an open adoption–not that we were demanding one, but that we’d take it one step at a time. They felt the same way–that they wanted the option, but they didn’t want to be locked into something if they decided they didn’t want a lot of involvement.

So we met, using only first names, not disclosing where we lived or worked, exactly, and chatted. And after the first few akward minutes, the conversation started flowing…..and flowing……..and flowing. We learned the J was excpecting a girl, and she was delivering on August 3rd. We learned that she had a little boy from a previous relationship, and that she’d “been there, done that” with a newborn, and didn’t really want to do it all again. Z was almost potty-trained, and she was done with diapers. We learned about how J & G met, what they do for fun, and what they wanted for this baby. L asked the question, “If you had to make a profile, what would it look like?” and that really got the ball rolling. I did my best to remember everything, so that I’d have things to tell the baby in the future.

After that initial meeting, we were invited to the hospital while J delivered. We correpsonded via email through the social worker to pick a name. We were laying the ground work for a very open adoption, the likes of which will be explored in a post soon to come.

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The Rest of that Vacation: ML pt 2

So this is the second installment of my life last year.

Afte the crying and hugging and so forth, Aunt Janet asked the important question,”do you need to fly home now??”

“No, she’s due August 8th, and we’ll set up a meeting once I get home next week.”

So with that, we went to get some lunch. I called my dad, who got a bit choked up, and throughout the week, I called good friends to tell them what I knew. At that point, it wasn’t much. Just that “she” (J) was due 8/8/05, she had 1 other child, and she liked us because we had a big family and looked nice. We knew the “he” (G) was still in the picture. I think that’s it.

So for the next week, I enjoyed my vacation to the fullest. I didn’t buy a single baby item, or magazine, or anything like that. I slept in. I exercised. I hung out at the poolside bar with my cousin. As much as I wanted to be with L, I was really glad that I had some time to process this development on my own for awhile–to let it sink in without the rest of my life distracting me. And, it was nice that the first week of our “wait” was taken care of-once I got home, I only had 2 weeks of work to get through, 2 weeks of nesting, etc. That was a bonus.

Of course, L and I talked at least once a day, and most of the conversations revolved around the potential adoption. We remained guarded–always reminding each other that nothing was final, that things could change, etc. At the same time, we were looking at our calendars and rescheduling things, looking at vacation time and so forth, trying to put together a plan.

While I was gone, my friends and family were busy gathering things for us. My two best friends filled my garage with things like bottles, bouncy seats and the like. When we got back from FL, my mom and I went to Babies R Us for the carseat and stroller. That trip is seperate installment for when I’m feeling really nostalgic.

Suffice it to say, I’m glad our match happened when it did and the way it did. Who else but an adoptive mom can celebrate at an ocean-front bar with cosmos 3 weeks before her baby arrives?!?!?