After we adopted MAM, I was very content for a long time with having an only child. One of the reasons we weren’t jumping on the “updating the homestudy” bandwagon was because I couldn’t imagine “managing” two open adoptions.
You see, MAM’s birth family lives 20 minutes away. They actually live closer than any of our relatives. Currently, I am most in touch with J, MAM’s bmom. We talk on the phone weekly, and text sporadically. We visit about every other month at this point. I still can’t imagine doing that with whole other set of people connected to another baby.
Which makes this current situation ideal, right? Here we are, potentially expanding our family, without having to navigate another open adoption relationship. Which is true. But it also leads me to the weirdness.
The weirdness is that now J and I are friends, of sorts. I know more about her now, obviously, than I did three years ago. I know the stress she is under. I know how her mom reacted when she told her that McBaby had an adoption plan in the works. I know the crap the bdad is pulling.
I know that she will have very few visitors at the hospital, and that there are time where she will be totally alone. And that some people in her life who tell her that they will be there, won’t be there. Which will leave her with us. And while we’re great and all, it’s not quite right. And that’s where it gets weird.
Love your new look! Don’t know when you switched, because I usually read thru googlereader.
Anyway, the way it seems things happen is, it might seem weird at first, but you all will adjust to a “new normal” whether this placement occurs or not. Things will not be the same either way in your relationships, but they will settle out over a little bit of time.
Is MAM getting excited about her new brother or sister?? She looks so grown up in her pictures!
I know what you mean. I was concerned about the opposite when we started again. We don’t have much contact with Cameron’s first family and I worried how he would feel if we had visits and gifts, etc. with baby #2. In the end, we have even less contact with Spencer’s family.
Parenting is hard. Always something to worry about…
Gives me lots to think about….I have so many questions as we ponder what the open adoption relationship will look like when that happens for us! Thanks for being so real with your feelings and process.
And can you imagine what J is thinking about all this?? I’m sure you try! She is lucky to have you. And the fact that she knows you now – does that make it harder or easier for her? I hope a little easier – knowing that if she decides to place with you, she knows what to expect – she can count on you to keep her involved, and knows you are dependable and are doing a great job parenting already.
But does it also make it a little harder? Trying to make this decision again about her child’s well=being and life – does it weigh on her more, thinking she might disappoint you?
I can’t imagine, but am happy for you both that the “other party” is not an unknown this time. You have already formed one triad. There will be a fourth little life added into the mix, in one way or another. A second triad? Not really – I thik of it as expanding the current into a new shape to include another heart….
It’s a weird situation, very unusual. And yet, you and BigK are SUCH great parents, and it’s clear that MAM is just blossoming and thriving. I just have to believe that per J’s decision, you will also be the very best parents for McBaby, even if you have to navigate the occasional minefield. If anyone can do it (with a bit of grace, no less), you can.
Weird is an appropriate word.
My sadness goes the other way. My son’s firstmom has chosen not to be in our lives…and I wish she were.
I’m off now to read more of your blog…