Two Days to Go

On Thursday we’ll dress up, gather the cameras and the grandparents, and head downtown for baby Kahuna’s adoption finalization. I know it’s a big deal, but it feels like more of a formality than anything. And an opportunity to write another check!! She’s been ours since the day we brought her home, in every which way we can think of. The lawyer told me on the phone that he’ll have to ask a few questions in front of the judge–have we been convicted of crimes involving children, and do we understand that from this moment on baby Kahuna has all the rights of a “natural” child. So if one of us dies, the other can’t nulify the adoption. I don’t think that should be an issue!

We haven’t told the birthfamily about this court date–I think they know that the adoption would be finalized before the end of the year. They waived all rights to notice of future legal proceedings, and their paperwork is done. I feel funny sharing the news with them. I know they won’t suddenly want to contest the adoption or anything, but we aren’t planning on mentioning anything til after the 1st.

Our first visit since the hospital is next Friday- so we may mention it in an offhanded way then.

Family Gatherings: Always a Time for Education

So we spent T-day at L’s sister’s house, and the ENTIRE clan was in full force! His sister from Miami, brother from Iowa, and the local crew. M__ got to meet the 2 aunts and 1 uncle she hadn’t yet, along with 3 more cousins. It was big fun. L’s the oldest sibling at 35, Patrick is the youngest at 23. The oldest nephew is 4, the youngest neice is a week younger than MAM. So it’s a close-in-age, similiar-in-thought kind of group. Big Fun!

I spent a lot of time talking about adoption with my sisters-in-law–they are all moms, and so, of course, they were interested. They, of course, wanted to know about the process, our contact with the birthparents, how we are going to explain it to MAM when she gets older, and some basics about the agency.

I told them to ask ANYTHING–1) so that there’s no speculation, 2) so that everyone’s on the same page when the kids are old enough to understand what’s going on. Right now we can talk about the adoption in front of her, but as she gets older, that won’t be appropriate. Also,eventually, it will be her story to tell, not ours.

Three points that I made, in hopes of getting the phrases into their families’ vocabulary:

1. MAM was born, then she was adopted.
Sometimes young children have the misconception that you are either born or adopted…not both.
2. Use the term “placed for adoption” not “given up”
Obviously, there’s connotations with both…”placed” is much more humane and accurate!
3. Adoption is a verb for a one time event.
As in, “MAM was adopted.” It’s not an adjective or a present-tense verb. It happens once, the family is formed and that’s it!

I also told them that we’re happy to chat about it because the more we do, the better we’ll get at it, so that when MAM needs answers, we’ll have the language down pat!

My Reading List

To Read:

A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER: STORIES FROM ADOPTIVE PARENTS, edited by Pamela Kruger and Jill Smolowe. I read an excerpt in the November issue of Parenting, and it interests me.

THE STORY OF DAVID: How we created a family through open adoption, by Dion Howells. I’ve been skimming through it for awhile–now I need to sit down and dig in.

What I’m reading now:

CHILDREN OF OPEN ADOPTION, by Kathleen Silber and someone else, whose name I’m forgetting at the moment…the book is upstairs and I’m not getting up right now.

This is a neat book in that it goes through the griefing process at each stage of a child’s life. The idea being that with each developmental stage, a child understands adoption a little more deeply and goes through the loss process associated with the new understanding. FASCINATING case studies.

BABY’S FIRST SKILLS by Miriam Stoppard, MD.
Great ideas for playing with baby. A little complicated to follow (there’s a whole play plan–an hour’s worth of activities for each month)–you have to flip through the book to read a description of each activity, but there are great tidbits and ideas.

What I’ve Read:

THE SECRET THOUGHTS OF AN ADOPTIVE MOTHER. I’ve forgotten the author, I only remember that she was very bitter. Rather rude toward the birthmother, rather irked that SHE would have to go through the adoption process–I didn’t relate. Have I been frustrated, yes? Have I not understood where the birthmom was coming from, yes? But does that give me the right rant on and on? I don’t think so. It just didn’t do it for me.